Brooke Boersma
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Humbled

11/10/2015

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Humility.  It’s one of those things we all hope we have, but when a lesson in it comes crashing in, we realize that maybe we need a little more.

Our girls have PTSD as a result of the trauma that they have endured.  Kids who have been through hard things have brain scans that look much like a soldier who has been on the battlefront.  PTSD looks different for each person given their experience, personality, and their own biology.  Like the rest of us, there is a fight or flight mode, but it tends to be more extreme and can last longer, or be delayed.  Sleep can be disrupted, and even a happy excitement can be perceived by their bodies and brains as a threat.  One of our girls retreats and cries or tries to inflict pain on herself when in a stressful situation.  The other moves into fight mode and the energy level goes up, along with a lot of words that aren’t so nice.

I have tried to be patient over the years, knowing that this isn’t their fault, and that it really has nothing to do with me (although often the anger and behaviors are shot in my direction.).  I don’t always handle it well, as I’m sure my neighbors can attest.   I often get frustrated and just want my little fighter to get over it.

When I am in a stressful situation, my instinct is to fight as well.  I remember a time when we lived in southern California. Our detached garage was on an alley.  I had the door open to the garage, as well as the back door of our minivan because I was loading chairs into it to bring back to the church where we worked.  Also in the back of the van were several bags full of toys for the Angel Tree ministry.  You never leave an open garage door in an alley in Paramount.  I knew better, but I did it anyway.  I ran into the house for more chairs, and when I came back to our garage, I heard shopping bags rustling in the van.  Fight mode kicked in.  I threw the metal folding chairs down to the ground with a crash,  to see a teenaged boy look up from the back of my van.  I yelled at him, “What are you DOING?!  Those toys are for little kids who don’t have any!!  GET OUT OF THERE!!”, and I proceeded to CHASE HIM DOWN the alley.  I ran behind him, getting closer, when he stripped off his shirt - to show me the tattoo of the gang he was in - and I kept running and yelling at him.  Oh my goodness, what was I thinking?  That’s just it - I wasn’t.  Good thing he was faster than me.  The fight mode - the adrenaline kicking in - was so strong I didn’t even think about any of it, I just did it.  

Fast forward 15 years or so, and here comes my lesson in humility.   Our sassy girl is just a whole lot of meanness to handle every. single. morning.  And my fight mode wants to kick in every single time.   And two times in the last month, when I have been on overdrive, I lost it:  After a particularly rough morning getting ready, at school drop off, a dog in the back of a truck barked at my kids and I yelled at the owner.  (Like, a lot.  On the corner of Main St.  In front of my kids’ school.  With all kinds of parents watching.)  And another time when I nicked the front of a car (also in front of my kids’ school with all kinds of parents watching yet again)  I snapped at our nanny.  Lord, help me.

Oy vey.  This school that I love and want to serve and spread the peace of Christ as our family is there is the place that my wonderful temper has decided to rear its ugly head.  Embarrassing.  I apologized to both parties and all is well, but still. Humbling.  Good grief.

But, because God is awesome and forgiving and wants to redeem every dumb thing we do, He reminded me of how gracious He is toward each one of us.  And how important it is for me to have compassion and empathy (and self-control). Compassion for other crabby moms who probably had a rough morning too.  Patience for my daughters, who can’t regulate these behaviors because of their past and their body chemistry.  I kind of get it now.  I responded in anger and with the fight in my and I'm a grown up who has a healthy brain and healthy childhood behind me, for Pete's sake.  Humility that I, just like my kids, make mistakes, say things I shouldn’t, and need to apologize, too.  

Bottom line, just like my precious littles, God is teaching me that I am ‘extra grace required.’  Thank goodness it never runs out.


Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV)
8 For it is by grace you have been saved,through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

1 Peter 5:5-7 (NIV)
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.”[a]
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
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Jesus Moves the Dark

4/9/2015

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When my son was little, we would often go this great educational toy store at the mall.  He was really into trains, and they had an awesome train table that would entertain him for hours.  One time we went in the later afternoon, and when we walked back out to the car, the sun had gone down.  As soon as we walked out the doors, my little guy noticed the difference.  “It’s dark, Mommy!”  “Yes, it is,” I said.  He grabbed my face in his two little hands, as he was wont to do when he had something meaningful to say to me.  He looked into my eyes and very seriously said, “Jesus moves the dark, doesn’t he, Mommy?”  Jesus moves the dark.  My sweet little 3 year old, speaking such deep truth.

“I Am the Light of the World.  Whoever follows after me will not walk in the darkness but will have the Light of Life.”  John 8:12

Back in the day, my husband would make slide shows for our youth ministry out of real film.  (Remember that?)  He used a slide projector, where little pictures would fit into a machine, and light would shine through the picture to project an image onto a large screen.  He had a dark room where he would develop the film.  The room was a closet - no windows, and the door even had a cover so no light could come in.  Even in a completely blacked out room, if the smallest bit of light trickled through, the film would be exposed.  Light is powerful.

Have you ever been in a dark room?  Even the tiniest little candle brings light, you can’t help but look at it.  It’s as though the light pushes the darkness out and away.

Jesus is the dark mover.  At the beginning of time, He, as part of the Trinity, Creator, spoke into the darkness and light was born.  He, as a Man, brought the light of love and healing to sin shackled, demon held, illness worn souls and bodies.  He,  at His appointed time, shattered the darkness of death and brought the light of his resurrection. 

The darkness of your hurt, your pain.  The darkness of depression, abuse, past mistakes.

The darkness you feel when the needs of your kids overwhelm you, or your illness has you bedridden and afraid, or your marriage is falling apart.

It is in that darkness that Jesus says,  “I AM the Light of the World.”
In our dark places we can focus in on His Light, His Life, and let Him shine.

“The people who have walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who have dwelled in a land of deep darkness, on them light has shone.”  Isaiah 9:2

Jesus moves the dark.


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What About Me?

3/11/2015

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Parenting adopted kids when there are biological children in the home can create some guilt, especially in moms.  We question if the biological child resents the others and the time they have “taken away” from them.  If the adopted children have special needs, the concern can be even greater, as the time and energy required to parent them well increases.  If there are behavioral problems, and the adopted children physically harm or threaten the other children, the guilt and concern is compounded.


Our youngest, who was adopted along with her sister, often would say, “What about me?”  I know this is a typical younger kid in the family wondering, but my mommy guilt (see above) kicked in, and it was a good thing.  It caused me to reflect a bit - am I pushing her off more often because she is more mellow and not as needy?  Am I giving too much attention to the negative behaviors of the other instead of rewarding the good choices this one is making?  And then - what about Caleb?  He is a teenager, so he doesn’t need my direct parenting for everyday things anymore, but he still needs me.  Am I giving him the time and care he needs? Does he resent all the time and focus the girls require?

Mommy guilt (or parent guilt) can be debilitating if we fixate on that feeling and allow ourselves to feel hopeless.  If we use it as a kick in the pants, it can move us in the right direction to better parenting.  In my case, I wallowed in the “how can I ever give all of them what they need, I’m so tired!!” feeling for a bit, then I stopped the pity party and started being more intentional.

I started paying more attention to the one that is making the good choices, and encouraging her in that.  I began to have the other sit in “time in” so she gets my time and presence, but not my attention for the not so great choices.  I talked to Caleb about his feelings toward the girls and there was no resentment there, he said he knows I am trying.  Now, I make sure I check in with him after the other two are in bed - when he wants to talk and connect or get some help with homework, even if it means a few less minutes of sleep for me.  Although spending time with each child brings great joy to me in different ways, I still need to practice being present for them.  


The result?  The teenager’s grades have gone up, the little one stopped asking, “What about me?”, and the other little miss is not acting up quite as much...and I am continuing to learn how to be a good parent after 16 years, 3 kids, and some fosters.  But for the grace of God go I!


What are some ways that you are intentional in your parenting of kids with different needs?





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Extra Grace Required

2/19/2015

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Grace.  Grace is favor unmerited.  An act of kindness we don't deserve.  God loving us and saving us when we can't save ourselves.  Benevolence.

When I was a youth pastor, we used to have this code name for kids who were, well, special. They didn’t fit it socially, or they didn’t have great hygiene, were awkward….we called them “EGR” or “Extra Grace Required.”   We all have those people in our lives that just require a little more patience and kindness than others.  

Now that I am a mom of special needs kids, I am reminded of that term often.  My whole life is “Extra Grace Required.”  


There is extra grace required when:
  • My kid spills her drink EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL.
  • My kid, at almost 8 still can’t get dressed on her own.
  • There are always crumbs on the floor, like EVERYWHERE, because they can’t navigate utensils well.
  • I have to repeat instructions ad infinitum because the alcohol damage has affected their memories.  They just now, after 4 years of hair washing understand that they have to keep their chin up to keep soap out of their eyes. 
  • I can’t just lie in bed in the morning because they minute they wake up they need food and meds, or all hell breaks loose.
  • She eats dog food, dirt, paper, food off the car floor....
  • Her PTSD causes her to lash out at me when she falls off her bike and gets hurt, even though I am 200 feet away.
  • They never, ever, stop talking.
  • She constantly needs supervision because her executive functioning is damaged and she can't come up with constructive things to do on her own or keep herself safe.

But there are so many ways that I have seen God's beautiful grace in our lives because of these two girls.  There are so many times that I am extra grace required, and they shower their sweet benevolence on me.


  • God's grace was given when I begged for more children, and we found these two precious girls.
  • There's grace when I get a hug and a kiss, fierce with love and meaning after I lose my patience.
  • Grace shows its face when my sweet girl brings me a flower she found outside.
  • I feel God's grace when I hear, “You’re the best mom, ever.”  Because they know what it’s like to have some pretty bad moms.

A pastor I once worked for called God's good gifts "grace stacked upon grace".  And that's how God is.  His benevolence may not look like what we had hoped for, but it is always exactly what we need.

Our life with these kids is crazy messy, stressful, and exhausting.  It's also full of surprises, unexpected learning, laughter, and joy.  Our girls are definitely "Extra Grace Required", but really, aren't we all?


2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.






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    Brooke Boersma is barely keeping it together.  Her days include cooking from scratch, exercising with her favorite fitness group, keeping her two (adorable and amazing and special needs) adopted daughters from clobbering each other, and preparing her teenage son for manhood, while updating their home, (sort of) staying on top of the laundry, and enjoying a few stolen moments with her almond farmer husband.  She likes to run, read, soak in the sun, and daydreams about everyone sleeping through the night.  She leans heavily on Jesus, coffee, and the occasional pomegranate martini.  Her life is extra grace required.  If given a do-over, she wouldn’t change a thing.

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